Tag Archives: trans*

You Can Not Use the T slur.

In my area their has been a huge ongoing problem with people, even self styled allies have used it and it has been used in supposed “safe spaces” such as gsa’s and resource centers. Each time this has happened the harmed trans* person has been asked to educate why this is hurtful and should not be used. That attitude is highly problematic, entitled and transphobic/cissexist. It is akin to shooting a friend and when they scream ” you shot me! Why did you shoot me!” Demanding to know WHY it is wrong to shoot them and when they say they are too busy tending to the fact that they are currently bleeding you scream at them about how they are terrible to you.
So I will do it while I am currently not as the metaphor earlier goes, I’m not shot.

TW: Trans slurs

Tranny is a slur. It is a word used to dehumanize and harm transgender and transsexual people.
By calling someone a tranny you are removing their humanity. By taking away someone’s humanity it becomes easier to do other types of violence to someone. Physical or verbal. Using a slur is the first step in this process that has the ultimate end of death for the victim.
Don’t take that first step

Tranny is used much more against trans women. Trans women of all the LGBT community are the most likely to have experienced or experience violence, rape or to be homeless. This is trans misogyny. The idea behind this is that trans women and cis women who are called this word are not really women.This is transphobic and misogynistic and wrong.

You also can not use it to talk about trans people in porn. Porn is about creating objects for a person to consume. It turns people into things. Especially in trans porn starring trans women they are packaged as not really women but as freaks, as an exotic object. Not as human beings.

We should not take language cues from porn. If you must talk about trans porn or people in it do not use words such as tranny, she male, chick with a dick etc. Especially the last one reduces trans people to simply their genitals. This is cissexist and transphobic. It also is another way to dehumanize and oppress trans people, specifically trans women.
If you must talk about it you could say ” transgender porn” instead.

Trans people suffer disproportionate rates of violence and death. Words like “tranny” are often the last words a a trans person hears before they die. Do not ally yourself with murderers or rapists.
Here is an info graphic detailing the types of violence and oppression trans people face. Often seen or argued to be ” just a word” it is really the first step on the path of dehumanization and oppression that allows such horrors as these numbers to exist.
Words have power.Words have meaning.And a word like tranny can be the foundation for unspeakable horror against others.

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In a perfect world a trans person simply saying ” that is a slur please don’t use it near me” should be enough.
If you consider yourself an ally or friend of trans people that should be enough.

But we don’t live in a perfect world.
So be a good person, a good ally and don’t use it.

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On being a disabled Bi trans person and the idea of passing

Big huge disclaimer: I’m only talking about myself here not everyone else in the history of ever.This might only apply to my area of the world suburban USA. Your mileage may vary on this subject based on your own situation and stuff.Trigger Warnings: Transphobia,ableism,biphobia,bierasure,cissexism,

Still there? Ok here it is.

A few weeks(months?) back there was a whole lot of talk about how bisexuals are the devil because we can be in “straight” relationships and pass the all important hand holding test with our partners.A bunch of people were douchelords about it.I mentioned that this idea is cissexist and relies on the idea that at a glance you can always 100% know what someones gender or sex is.I got told I’m not allowed to say that or mention it.I’m still a bit confused to exactly WHY I’m not supposed to.But I’ll take the inevitable coal racking that comes with posting these things here anyways.

I don’t look or pass in anyway as “straight”.At this point I am read as either:

1:an adorably fat young teenage(if I’m lucky) 20 something guy.

2: A butch lesbian

That would be me just standing there in space.Not with my cane.But maybe sitting in a chair in some waiting room type thing.Now if you add in my cane you suddenly materialize a whole new world of options.Most of which somehow obliterate any and all gender from me.Suddenly I’m not any gender or sexuality.Suddenly I am just the cane. It becomes this weird fixture in peoples minds. Before where my body had a million questions for them, “are you a girl or a boy” “are you stone in bed ?” it suddenly silences them. In it’s place are questions like “Why do you have that?” “You are to young to use that!” “Does it hurt if I poke you here?”

Both sets of questions assume an insane level of familiarity with me and a right to my body.If I’m read as a guy but open my mouth and a noise comes out and destroys that illusion  suddenly the trans questions hit me.If I’m read as a queer woman the queer questions hit me.As soon as the cane appears it doesn’t matter what I do, say or wear it takes over all.

The same is true when I am partnered with someone else. My partners and I are assumed to be lesbians one way  or conversely if I am read as male two gay men.Sometimes depending on who I am  with the other person and I are read as two queer friends or a straight friend and their queer BFF.I am also not physically affectionate in public with my romantic partners. So all this would have to be done in the context of two people standing near each other talking,riding in a vehicle or sitting at a table.

My body, my presentation everything is read almost universally as “queer” or “not straight”. Yes I do receive the requisite tranasphobia and gay bashing that goes along with it, both overtly and in the form of micro aggressions.

Now add the cane.

Again suddenly it doesn’t matter who I am with, or what they look like.The focus is immediately on why I have it, how, when, etc. It doesn’t matter if I look like I’m in an “gay” or “straight” relationship or none at all. The only added thing of being with another person is that they are no longer assumed in any way to be a romantic partner.They become my care giver.

In America we do not view disabled people as beings capable of love,sex and romance. Whether that is queer or straight romance in my experience (not everyone’s) doesn’t seem to matter.The very idea of a disabled person daring to be on a date, or even just outside of the house is a bigger deal then who I am walking around wal mart looking for a toilet brush with. I’ve been told so.That I am “brave” and an “inspiration” for “dealing with so much and still daring to go out” (by go out the cashier meant “go to the store for groceries) Not a week earlier the same cashier had demanded to see my id when I bought some cough syrup and examined the photo and gender marker very closely to determine if what my “real” gender was. Add a cane? Suddenly I’m not some vaguely gendered threat to people every where with my bottle of cherry cough syrup I am an ~inspiration~.

I’ve seen the looks of pity and of what I like to call the “Hallmark sees a disabled person look”. The look where able bodied people look at you and you KNOW in their mind they are getting misty eyes and going “good for you!!” directed at both me and partners.

Before I became disabled myself I was the partner of a disabled person myself.I’ve seen it from both sides.At the time we would have been read as two queer women.But as soon as people noticed that she was blind and walked with a cane I was no longer read as her partner but as her care giver.

Read as queer, read as straight, read as cis or as visibly trans.It doesn’t much matter for me because the cane, the visible disability erases all of that and replaces it with a sexless,genderless, romance less, loveless blob of personal medical questions,hallmark looks and sad faces from others over my “sorry state”

Of course I don’t speak for all bi, trans* or disabled people world wide.This is just my personal experience living where I do when I do with all the privileges and draw backs that comes with..

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<3’s not Parts is Body and Fat Shaming

Let me put this out there right off the bat.I am a fat person.I know I am a fat person.I have spent a large portion of my life constantly hating myself for being fat.This was confirmed when I recently cleaned out some things at my parents house and found a journal from around 1st-2nd grade where I talked about how I hated myself for being fat. How I was unlovable.When it became apparent that I would never be thin and therefore ~worthy~ family consoled me with the fact that I had “a great personality!” or a “pretty face!” the undercurrent always being that these were consolation prizes due to my fatness and therefore my bodily unworth.

It has taken me the better part of a decade to slowly undue all this internalized self hatred and learn to love my body fat and all.

When I first got involved in the LGBTQ community I ran into lots of xsexuals who would gleefully tell me and others who posted on places like Fat Genderqueers that because they were xsexual they “loved and were attracted to personalities/souls not bodies” at first this thrilled me and made me happy but the more I heard it over time the more a creeping chill sank in.

At birthday parties “Well at least Aud has such a sweet personality to attract a spouse with.Poor dear has to have at least something” Aunts would whisper. At the pool in the summer girl scout leaders would mutter “Aud’s nothing much to look at, all chubby like that, but at least being that bookish means a rewarding and rich career” It hit me

Saying “I love you for your PERSONALITY was just a sanctimonious form of the bullying I had endured as a child.It meant that these people were deigning to look past my hideous body fat and disabled.They were doing me a favor! Now these same xsexuals were always putting up photos of conventionally  attractive, thin, white able bodied cis people on their blogs and crowing about how “hot” they were.No fat people.No disabled people.For us they had to “look past” for thin,white and able it wasn’t needed.

I want my partners to see and love my body.Acknowledge it’s fat and scars and pain.I want to be with people who see ALL of me always.Not selectively look past difficult things like my fat,my gender or my disabilities and illness.

Claiming that you “don’t see bodies” is fat shaming.It is disgusting.And it needs to stop.

Bodies are real and valid.Claiming your sexuality enables you to not see/see past the body invalidates my struggles and body it does not make you queerer, more enlightened or better.It makes you a fat shaming coward.

You are allowed not to want to have sex or relationships with fat people.Or people with brown hair or blond or pink.Preferences is ok.We all have them.Subtly shaming me for my body while claiming you are above preferences or bodies or whatever makes you a hypocritical bully hiding behind false sanctimony.

*Note: I know that at one time the slogan “Hearts Not Parts” was a Bisexual movement slogan meant to help combat biphobic notions of “over sexed bis”. I feel that at this point the orginal sentiment has been twisted and turned into a hideous monster by the ABB crowd that results in fat shaming,disability shaming and a host of other problems.

Note Note: I use xsexual here to mean any sexuality that uses the “hearts not parts”/”personalities/souls” logic to define the sexuality. Insert whatever you want for value x.

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The Trevor Project Was Wrong: What Katy Perry Needs to Do to Make Things Right

The Trevor Project recently gave Katy Perry an award.That is utter frelling B.S.To save time and space go hereto read why Perry is a biphobic,transphobic,homophobic bigot.
So what,in this quests opinion would it take to soothe my wrath and get me to buy her cs’s?

1: Remove “Ur so Gay” and “I kissed a Girl” from all future printings of “One of the Boys” album.Never perform them live again.Stop all printing of the singles.Take the “I kissed a Girl” video down from her official youtube.Also remove them from itunes/other digital venues

2: Donate any remaining money from those songs to Bisexual and Lesbian charity groups and the money from “Gay” to suicide prevention and education.

3: Apologize and take responsibility for the harm her songs and attitudes have caused.Specifically to the bisexual and trans* community

4: Work with trans* advocacy groups to put an end to her transphobia and cissexism

Do those 4 things and I might,just might consider her next Cd.I might even someday consider her an ally.But she will have to do those things to prove she is serious.Serious about the very real damage her actions have done.

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Tell Me One More Time (Gender Blind)

Tell me one more time.Again.Tell me how you don’t see my gender.
Tell me how,with your cool holster smile,how you are gone.Gone beyond seeing my gender.Enlightenment hail! How this gender,this body is a blank space for your eyes.You only see me.
Tell me how others are dirty,below you for seeing it.For lusting for it or passing over it.
Tell me again how you are blind to gender.
This gender I have struggled with to find words to articulate.
This gender that I have bled for.Cried for.Nearly died for.
This gender that I carve out of my body,out of the world,daily.
This bleeding screaming,binding,tucking,gnawing thing that is it.
This laughter at found friends and the tears as old ones leave.
This gender that I love and live in.
This gender that I fight for,that many have died for.

Tell me again how you are blind to it.Tell me how all that doesn’t matter.How enlightened you are because of it.
How you only see “me”.

Because if you truely believe that you are blind.Because you can not see me at all.

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“God You’re Fat” or What Misgendering Feels Like.

(Trigger Warnings: misgendering,transphobia,cissexism,fat shaming,self harm,suicide,depression)
The nice woman from behind the counter smiles sweetly and hands you the bag, “Have a nice Day! God you are fat!” She waves as you slink out of the store.She doesn’t know any better you console yourself.You go to see some work colleagues.”Nice to see you! Ready to work on those ideas?! Good god you are fat!” They exclaim at you.You blush and tug at your clothes. ” Actually Im really not..could you please not say that?” The coworker laughs and says ” well if you just LOOKED less hideously fat it would be easier!” Your face is red.You go to work. After work you go to the local support group for people in situations like yours. ” Yes you had something to share lardass?” The leader asks.You stammer out that you don’t like being called that.You are not comfortable with it and it denotes a negative connotations to fatness that is wrong you point out.”But..but” you stammer. “Besides,not calling you that is to hard and weird!” The conversation moves on.”hideous,fatass,jumbo,ugly” thats how everyone refers to you.Even those who know you hate it do nothing. You cry inside.You go home to vent a bit online.” If you dont like it make a petition to get people like you taught in schools!” ” if you get so angry no one will listen!” ” who cares! Its no big deal!” Come the replies from friends. ” maybe if you looked less..fat and hideous but until then I’m calling you that”. You look in the mirror.Maybe you ARE a fat hideous monster.Maybe they are right.You dont deserve respect.You go get your razor and begin slicing.Alone in the dark. The next morning the bus driver greets you ” good morning ugly troll!” As he swings the door open.” Aren’t you sleepy this morning troll face!” Chirps your professor.” Troll.Cave troll.” Eat any goats today?” The day goes on.At the end you sit alone in front of the mirror.” Maybe I am a ugly troll” Soon all the ” maybes” become ” I am-s” Soon the pain and hate at the mirror become to great.Corpses cant be “too” anything.Corpses can only rot in silence. Imagine going through that.Day in and day out.Over and over.People pointing out your greatest insecurities.For me one of them has always been my weight.I know this is true for millions as well.Whatever it is you hate over and over. For me this is what misgendering and refusal to use proper pronoyns feels like.Some you learn to shrug off.Like the cashier and bus driver.But others,co workers,friends and allies are harder and cut much deeper.As a trans* person having my assigned sex at birth (ASAB) constantly pointed out while my true gender is ignored is one of my greatest insecurities. This is what it is like to be misgendered.This is that pain.Please think before you speak or type.Especially if you want to call yourself an ally or friend.Using the correct name and pronouns is NOT ABOUT YOU.It is about respect and the dignity of the person.Misgendering denies the reality of the person and thus their dignity as a human.If a trans* person complains about being misgendered it is not your place to derail the discussion in any way.No ” but you’re to angry!/not all of us do that/ what about the GOOD ones?(aka pat me on the back Im uncomfortable!) Or anything found at http://www.derailingfordummies.com doing this makes you the oppressor and part of the persons on going pain.So don’t.

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