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My Corpse Will Not Be Your Movement’s Foundation

     Coming into an all day Bi+ Institute, where seconds before people in the room had been talking about how the Bi+ community, how the terms, bi,bisexual, and biromantic had at times saved their lives, and then raising your hand to state that you feel that those very labels, should be abolished in favor of a different term, like pansexual is violence.

   At the time I personally was too gobsmacked say anything. I personally take this moment, this utterance, as the trigger that sent me into a dissociative episode that lasted not just the whole rest of the day, but had extreme mental health consequences weeks afterwards.

    I felt hurt, so much pain and hurt. I’ll never forget the looks on people’s faces. The sheer pain. But also the sheer, unbridled rage. I at the time failed everyone miserably in not calling that statement out for what it was as a presenter/moderator. Thankfully a few participants had the clear sight and courage I lacked and called out the perpetrator,educated them and did what needed done. For these people I am ever grateful and can only hope to someday have even 1/10th of the courage,clear headedness and awesome.

   I failed as a leader then. But I need to grow from it and those people’s amazing example so I’m doing this now.

   What happened was absolutely NOT ok. A cis pansexual called for an end to the use of the terms bi,bisexual, and biromantic. Entering into a group’s safe space, waiting for people to be vulnerable and then telling them, essentially that what kept them alive, what gave them hope, community and power is in fact wrong, backwards,transphobic, and must be done away with/destroyed for the betterment of the “movement “ is absolutely unacceptable and a violent, cruel and callous act.

If you do not like a label, fine don’t use it. Don’t want your precious “pure” label associated with us “nasty dirty etc” bi’s? Fine go talk to the task force and get your own day long pansexual purity institute set up and you can all clap yourselves on the back about how great you are to not be bisexual.

Do not come into bi spaces, use our scarce resources (time, air, emotional labor, physical labor,stickers and coloring books) and then call for the destruction of the label, the community that created that space that you are consuming. I don’t care how enlightened and better you think your alternative label is, especially if you are a cis person telling us bi is transphobic and how important trans issues are to you.

CIS PEOPLE NEVER EVER GET TO DECIDE WHAT IS AND ISN’T TRANSPHOBIC.

Doing so  was an act of violence, transphobia, cissexism and silencing the trans people in that room.

I now need to address the overarching pansexual movement, because honestly, I’ve encountered this the most from pansexuals. If you identify as anything else, including polysexual, gay or even bi and feel this type of behavior is ok I’m talking to you too:

   Educate yourselves. Read this. Now re read this: If you do not want to be a part of bi spaces, community, activism, institutes and workshops fine. Get the heck out. Go make your own. Stop traumatizing us, using us and abusing us because you don’t have enough fortitude, credentials, experience, or just plain old god damned guts to go on your own and attempt to build up your own independent movement.

Stop trying to tear ours down so you can use the rubble to build yours. Do not stand on our corpses and shout about your doctrinal,ideological and label purity.

 

Burn that into your brain. Send it to your friends. Write it on the mirror so you see it every morning. Set it as your background if you need too.

 

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The Bar Has Been Raised: Now YOU jump

Over this past weekend I had the amazing privilege of going to the BECAUSE conference in Minnesota. 3 days of nothing but Bi activism, Bi workshops, performance and food( we had a Bi colored cake and if you thought far too hard my sand which was kinda Bi colors too)
I have been in my fair share of LG BT spaces, I have given my time, my money, my spirit, my spoons and energy to those spaces and organizations.
And you know what?
Unless they can provide for me as a Bi Trans person the welcome and acceptance BECAUSE did?
I’m out of there.
I’ve spent hours working my ass off in LG/GGGG spaces only to when it came down to it, feel like I was barely tolerated. That I wasn’t as valuable as a cis queer nor as pandered and wanted as a cis straight ally. That I was worth less. That I had to or had “picked a side”. I’ve sat in meetings and in one on ones with others who privately confessed that they too are bisexual, but coming out would damage their credibility and they didn’t want to lose that. To end up like me and other out Bi people in the org or space, tirelessly working for them or their cause only to be ignored and shuffled off later.
No more.
I am done jumping through hoops.
At first the bar was so low, as long as I wasn’t being physically assaulted I was OK and I jumped it.
But it was always me and other bi’s jumping. Over and through hoops just for the mere chance, the possibility that we might be tolerated. Not welcome. Not valued. Tolerated.
I have seen online and in person what bisexual community can do, can create.
Welcome, acceptance, friendship, support. All the things were are supposed to be getting out of LG/GGGG spaces. That we so often don’t.
For me BECAUSE raised the bar. I won’t be giving time,money, spoons or spirit to places, orgs and people that can’t jump that bar.
This is me saying
The bar has been raised. NO YOU jump it this time.

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Being An Activist Is Not A Pass At Disney Land: Why being an LGBTQ Activist Does Not Give You Access To Trans Spaces

I’ve noticed a very upsetting trend recently. The idea that if you are an  cis LGB activist or cis het LGBT ally you are through your work then rewarded with access to trans* only spaces and discussions, and that trans people telling you that you are not welcome is an offense.
This is the height of cis privilege. Cis people are conditioned in our society to believe they are the ” normal” and “right” way to be. Everything in discourse, from music to bathrooms and jobs is built to celebrate and accommodate cis people.
We trans people go through a lot. We often need space to feel safe, a place where even for five minutes being trans is the dominant way of being.

Being an activist is a wonderful thing. But only the oppressed get to declare who is an ally and what ally behavior looks like to them as a group. Members of the dominant privileged group do not get to determine what these standards are.
Ally is not something you can just slap on. It is something you have to earn.

Cis LGB and Cis het people are not allowed into trans only spaces and discussions because they are not trans.The amount of activism or their hrc sticker or the fact that they partner romantically and sexually with trans people STILL does not give them access. These spaces, whether in real life, internet forums, Facebook groups or comment threads designated as such are off limits.
Barging in and yelling about how it is unfair, how you are an activist and deserve/have a right to be included is oppressive, cissexist behavior. Derailing discussions trans people are having with posts and shouts of ” what about me!” Or worse yet passive aggressively using activism and the idea that you have ” done so much for the trans community” is oppressive. The second type shows what internalized cissexist attitudes you have.
As an activist, as an ally you should never do this. It shows that your ally ship is conditional upon the compliance to your needs and ideals by trans people.
This behavior is immensely problematic and oppressive.
Trans people owe you as a cis person jack squat.
You are not given a magic pass when you become an activist.
Activism and ally ship requires constant self analysis.
If you feel that trans people not including you in trans only spaces is upsetting or wrong you need to do self analysis as to why you feel entitled to that access.
It’s probably unchecked cis privilege.

Being a good ally is knowing when to shut up.
If you are cis and in a trans space or see a trans space sit down and shut up.

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A Quick Post: X-SEXUAL IS NOT A REAL THING

At this point I have gotten like maybe about 6 comments (here, via email, tumblr, twitter etc) that all go like this:
“OMG I’M an XSEXUAL!!”
“Why are you so mad at xsexuals!?”
“Do you have more info on xsexuals? i think I may be one”

Because apparently people can’t read I’m going to state this again;
The “x” isn “xsexual/x-sexual” is a STAND IN. It means “put your prefix here” which means you can stick in bi,hetero,homo,pan,a,demi,omni,grey-ace,andro,gyno sapio WHATEVER
It is so when I’m writing I don’t have to type all THAT every.single.line. Because multipule sexualities might pull the same fucked up shit so it’s easier to use then naming them every single line.Because in the future members of a group I failed to mention might do the same thing and thus by using “x” the point is still relevant. It means “insert the person or group doing this stupid shit here”

No you can’t be an “xsexual” no there is no xsexual pride flag.No websites.No parades because it is a freaking literary short hand.
I’m going to go BOLD the part that explains it in the orginal so people will you know READ IT

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<3’s not Parts is Body and Fat Shaming

Let me put this out there right off the bat.I am a fat person.I know I am a fat person.I have spent a large portion of my life constantly hating myself for being fat.This was confirmed when I recently cleaned out some things at my parents house and found a journal from around 1st-2nd grade where I talked about how I hated myself for being fat. How I was unlovable.When it became apparent that I would never be thin and therefore ~worthy~ family consoled me with the fact that I had “a great personality!” or a “pretty face!” the undercurrent always being that these were consolation prizes due to my fatness and therefore my bodily unworth.

It has taken me the better part of a decade to slowly undue all this internalized self hatred and learn to love my body fat and all.

When I first got involved in the LGBTQ community I ran into lots of xsexuals who would gleefully tell me and others who posted on places like Fat Genderqueers that because they were xsexual they “loved and were attracted to personalities/souls not bodies” at first this thrilled me and made me happy but the more I heard it over time the more a creeping chill sank in.

At birthday parties “Well at least Aud has such a sweet personality to attract a spouse with.Poor dear has to have at least something” Aunts would whisper. At the pool in the summer girl scout leaders would mutter “Aud’s nothing much to look at, all chubby like that, but at least being that bookish means a rewarding and rich career” It hit me

Saying “I love you for your PERSONALITY was just a sanctimonious form of the bullying I had endured as a child.It meant that these people were deigning to look past my hideous body fat and disabled.They were doing me a favor! Now these same xsexuals were always putting up photos of conventionally  attractive, thin, white able bodied cis people on their blogs and crowing about how “hot” they were.No fat people.No disabled people.For us they had to “look past” for thin,white and able it wasn’t needed.

I want my partners to see and love my body.Acknowledge it’s fat and scars and pain.I want to be with people who see ALL of me always.Not selectively look past difficult things like my fat,my gender or my disabilities and illness.

Claiming that you “don’t see bodies” is fat shaming.It is disgusting.And it needs to stop.

Bodies are real and valid.Claiming your sexuality enables you to not see/see past the body invalidates my struggles and body it does not make you queerer, more enlightened or better.It makes you a fat shaming coward.

You are allowed not to want to have sex or relationships with fat people.Or people with brown hair or blond or pink.Preferences is ok.We all have them.Subtly shaming me for my body while claiming you are above preferences or bodies or whatever makes you a hypocritical bully hiding behind false sanctimony.

*Note: I know that at one time the slogan “Hearts Not Parts” was a Bisexual movement slogan meant to help combat biphobic notions of “over sexed bis”. I feel that at this point the orginal sentiment has been twisted and turned into a hideous monster by the ABB crowd that results in fat shaming,disability shaming and a host of other problems.

Note Note: I use xsexual here to mean any sexuality that uses the “hearts not parts”/”personalities/souls” logic to define the sexuality. Insert whatever you want for value x.

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Bi vs Pan vs Poly: Defining Without Being a Jerk

I’ve seen far,far to many posts around the internet asking for a definition of pansexual,polysexual etc or how they relate to bisexuality.Nothing inherently wrong with this per say.But about 4 sentences into the answer everything devolves into a giant cluaterfrell of policing,negativity and just plain lazyness.
So here let me clear this up for you for each type of question I’ve seen

Step 1: receive question about ” define poly/pan/omni ”
Step 2: check to see if you are any of those.If yes give the definition most used by you and others.If no try and find a well researched definition that is inclusive,does not rely on negatively defining some other sexuality AND is made by the people who are that sexuality.
Step 3: post

“What is the difference between bisexual and x?”
Step 1: if you are x define if no refer to Step 2 of previous.
Step 2: consult either places such as BiNet USA or other prominent bisexual orgs or author’s such as Robyn Ochs.
Step 3: post info from them
Step 4: Check yourself for any policing or other douche baggary.
Step 5: post
Step 6: if real bisexual or people of x sexuality tell you did wrong accept it,apologize and change it.
Even if it means that you or x seem “less queer”/”less hip”.Cause come on let’s be honest here, a lot of the redefining of bi against the experience of bisexuals has more to do with the fear and insecurity of being “not queer enough/cool enough” then it does with the persons inability to successfully google up bisexual resources.

There.

Book mark this if you have to.

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Tell Me One More Time (Gender Blind)

Tell me one more time.Again.Tell me how you don’t see my gender.
Tell me how,with your cool holster smile,how you are gone.Gone beyond seeing my gender.Enlightenment hail! How this gender,this body is a blank space for your eyes.You only see me.
Tell me how others are dirty,below you for seeing it.For lusting for it or passing over it.
Tell me again how you are blind to gender.
This gender I have struggled with to find words to articulate.
This gender that I have bled for.Cried for.Nearly died for.
This gender that I carve out of my body,out of the world,daily.
This bleeding screaming,binding,tucking,gnawing thing that is it.
This laughter at found friends and the tears as old ones leave.
This gender that I love and live in.
This gender that I fight for,that many have died for.

Tell me again how you are blind to it.Tell me how all that doesn’t matter.How enlightened you are because of it.
How you only see “me”.

Because if you truely believe that you are blind.Because you can not see me at all.

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