I’m trans,I’m scared and I Have No Idea What You Can Do to Help.

That memo. You know the one by now. Do I even need to link it? If you don’t know what I’m talking about go to Google and type “trump transgender memo.” Read up. I’ll wait.

You back? Good.

Now I’m watching as the work I did as an activist crumble. I am watching young trans kids and hell even me spiral into depression and anxiety that just won’t end. It is 2 am as a write this but the pounding of my heart and the lump in my throat won’t go away. All I can feel is anger at cis people. Cis white people, who knowing me, knowing trans folks put us in more danger by voting him in. Quadruple the danger for trans POC. You can knit a million pussy hats but where are these women’s, March leaders on this? Why aren’t there trans scarfs being furiously knitted as those that protested so desperately rally the troops for donations en masse to Lambda Legal, the ACLU, the transgender suicide line? Why aren’t these prominent cis women leaders talking about us, educating other cis people on us? Why am I seeing the resistance, the educating coming from already exhausted, afraid victims? Why is the tell a trans person you love them being shared by more trans people on my social media then cis?

I’m scared I’ll be asked to do trans 101 again for yet another cis person/group. I’m scared I won’t be able to hold back my fury, my pain and anguish to be “the good trans” ™

I can barely hold it in now alone in the dark at 2 am.

This memo will kill people. Trans kids already struggling will see their cis trump voting family and this new assault as the end of hope. Fuck I’ve been passively suicidal over it because I’m so very worn thin from it all.

I’ve seen so many meme and images, fb pic changes in support. I appreciate and see this.

One sticks out. It implores allies to reach out and check in with trans friends and family. See if we need anything.

I don’t know what to say

I don’t know what can fix this pain. I have a crushing life outside this issue. I’m multiply marginalized and I have no idea what to say will help me.

I’m angry, sad, betrayed by family, worn out, old, sick, hurting. I don’t know if better is even currently possible for me and so many others.

So if you go to check in on a trans friend and offer help, we might not know. We might thank you for support but real help? Where to even begin short of a time machine? I don’t know.

And maybe in some ways it isn’t a time for me to know, to lead. Maybe it is time for cis people to group up and think. To approach me and others with “we/I am doing X to fight this. Can it help you? ”

Maybe I’m in shock. Like watching a slow nearly inevitable car crash.

I need cis people to be the EMT, the rescue workers. I need them to put one of those weird shiny space blankets around my shoulders.

Because all I can see is the crash, the death, the fire and all I can feel is grief, anger, and shock. Just cold shock.

I don’t know because the wound is too big, too raw for me to even look at.

Maybe some metaphorical coco and a rest in a shiny EMT blanket later I’ll know.

But right now I don’t really.

I can’t be the only one.

I’ll hold this space for those that also don’t know

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