Trigger warning: sexist , ableist and transphobic slurs
I have received tons of responses about my last post dealing with how the rhetoric of ” I don’t care about gender/ doesn’t matter/gender blind” used predominantly by pansexuals is problematic and transphobic and cissexist.
The two main detracting responses have basically been derailments from my point consisting of either people running at me and screaming ” but we aren’t all like that!!!” And then telling me how they or their friend aren’t and demanding a precious ally cookie.
The other response has often bordered on ableism.It consists of people talking in very condescending ways at me about how I missed the INTENT behind the phrase and that because of my stupidity or disability my complaint is silly, to be brushed off as soon as I am informed of how stupid I was to miss the INTENT of the phrase.
Here is the thing. Intent counts for jack and squat and Jack just left town. I know what the INTENT was. But that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if you didn’t intend to harm someone the point is you did and how you need to STOP.
Saying “gender doesn’t matter/ you don’t care ” is transphobic and cissexist.
End. The intent is not important.
It needs FIXED and by fixed I mean ended. If all the pan’s who stopped to beg for ally cookies or tell me very nicely that poor silly ole learning disabled me just missed the INTENT of the phrase instead worked on their own communities problems with cissexism and transphobia there would be a huge dent in it by now.
So instead of telling me I’m missing the intent or in boxing me messages about how I’m a dumb twat or a tranny or how I’m a stupid retard that missed the intent, or how I’m a fat ugly dyke OR how I should go die maybe just maybe you all could go fix the problems trans* people have pointed out.( yes those are all things I got called/told in response to the post)
An Odd Rey 
But honestly, if someone says “this doesn’t matter to me,” maybe take them at their word. It doesn’t matter to them. That doesn’t mean they don’t recognize that it’s important to you; it just doesn’t rank highly on the things they spend their time, energy and thought. Why is this so awful? If you tell them that their whateverness doesn’t matter to you, are they in their rights to get angry at you about it? Why does someone have to think exactly like you to be supportive of you?
A less nice way of putting it: what business is it of yours to decide what someone gets to care about?
As a transgender person it is FINE for me to tell them this as cis pansexuals. As cis they have privileges I do not. Like the ability to run around saying they don’t care about my gender, or that of other trans* people. They are NOT acting in solidarity with trans* people but are furthering cisnormativity and transphobia by not checking their cis privilege. I am a transgender person that’s who I am and thus I have a right to call out cis people. If your ” whatever ness” and cis privilege is more important than listening and honoring the voices of the people you are oppressing such a trans* people then you are NOT an ally to them but part of the problem and as I understand it via the works of author shiri eisner many people identify as pan in order to focus on including trans* identities. If you can’t honor and deal with trans people telling them their language or what they are doing is oppressive and harmful they need to stop crowing about how great they are at including us or what great feminist thinkers they are yesterday
You can be angry all you like, but you still don’t get to dictate what people care about. Just like I don’t get to do that for you. If you require everyone to line up 100 percent with your point of view, that is, of course, your right. But then you stand to rule out a lot of people who probably have a lot more in common with you than not. And what does that get you?
A lot of peace of mind and allies who actually listen and respect trans* people.
Actually it gets me quite a lot now that I think about it.
Well, by all means, have at it then!
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Thank you for your post. Hearing it made my day. I’ve been struggling with understanding my own gender issues for years and lost many people in my life over it. It is not just something that goes away. I was once informed by a straight coworker that my view about my gender situation was not necessarily what I thought it was. According to this person they had a gay friend so were suddenly qualified to tell me how to feel about my situation. Just knowing there are people out there with a voice is keeping me alive. Thank you so so much.