Monthly Archives: January 2013

<3’s not Parts is Body and Fat Shaming

Let me put this out there right off the bat.I am a fat person.I know I am a fat person.I have spent a large portion of my life constantly hating myself for being fat.This was confirmed when I recently cleaned out some things at my parents house and found a journal from around 1st-2nd grade where I talked about how I hated myself for being fat. How I was unlovable.When it became apparent that I would never be thin and therefore ~worthy~ family consoled me with the fact that I had “a great personality!” or a “pretty face!” the undercurrent always being that these were consolation prizes due to my fatness and therefore my bodily unworth.

It has taken me the better part of a decade to slowly undue all this internalized self hatred and learn to love my body fat and all.

When I first got involved in the LGBTQ community I ran into lots of xsexuals who would gleefully tell me and others who posted on places like Fat Genderqueers that because they were xsexual they “loved and were attracted to personalities/souls not bodies” at first this thrilled me and made me happy but the more I heard it over time the more a creeping chill sank in.

At birthday parties “Well at least Aud has such a sweet personality to attract a spouse with.Poor dear has to have at least something” Aunts would whisper. At the pool in the summer girl scout leaders would mutter “Aud’s nothing much to look at, all chubby like that, but at least being that bookish means a rewarding and rich career” It hit me

Saying “I love you for your PERSONALITY was just a sanctimonious form of the bullying I had endured as a child.It meant that these people were deigning to look past my hideous body fat and disabled.They were doing me a favor! Now these same xsexuals were always putting up photos of conventionally  attractive, thin, white able bodied cis people on their blogs and crowing about how “hot” they were.No fat people.No disabled people.For us they had to “look past” for thin,white and able it wasn’t needed.

I want my partners to see and love my body.Acknowledge it’s fat and scars and pain.I want to be with people who see ALL of me always.Not selectively look past difficult things like my fat,my gender or my disabilities and illness.

Claiming that you “don’t see bodies” is fat shaming.It is disgusting.And it needs to stop.

Bodies are real and valid.Claiming your sexuality enables you to not see/see past the body invalidates my struggles and body it does not make you queerer, more enlightened or better.It makes you a fat shaming coward.

You are allowed not to want to have sex or relationships with fat people.Or people with brown hair or blond or pink.Preferences is ok.We all have them.Subtly shaming me for my body while claiming you are above preferences or bodies or whatever makes you a hypocritical bully hiding behind false sanctimony.

*Note: I know that at one time the slogan “Hearts Not Parts” was a Bisexual movement slogan meant to help combat biphobic notions of “over sexed bis”. I feel that at this point the orginal sentiment has been twisted and turned into a hideous monster by the ABB crowd that results in fat shaming,disability shaming and a host of other problems.

Note Note: I use xsexual here to mean any sexuality that uses the “hearts not parts”/”personalities/souls” logic to define the sexuality. Insert whatever you want for value x.

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Hearts Not Parts Makes me Want to Puke

AN: in this I use the term x-sexual. Though currently this rhetoric is disturbingly prevalent predominantly in  certain circles I chose to use “x” because the logic still stands and like an 1800’s masquerade attendee idiocy changes masks often but is the same underneath so for longevity sake I use x sexual. X stands for any number of sexualities and groups that at the time might be doing a certain behavior. There are no such thing as xsexuals in reality. It is a value place holder.

” I fall in love with people not genitals!” ” x-sexuality means you fall in love with a person not their genitals/gender” or my current fav ” xsexual means you love a person for who they are.In short true love”
These are all examples of rhetoric I have seen on the web and heard in real life.
I understand that this rhetoric started as a counter narrative to the heterosexist myths of over sexed gays and especially bisexuals.It did and still does work in dialog occasionally.But it has over time and with the emergence of the Anything But Bisexual (ABB) movement and the quest to be The Queerest of Them All by young newly out nonmonosexuals turned into something all together loathes some.I see slogans like this on graphics that zip across the web and paint one sexuality as better, a sexuality of ” true love!/genderblindness”!

Lets look at this again ok?
Every one of those slogans has an under current.It seems cute at first and all but underneath it is a venomous poison.
If xsexuality means ” you like a person for who they are not their parts”/” it’s true love”/” fall in love with people ” that implies that all non xsexuals DO fall in live with ONLY genitals.That the love experienced by gays,lesbians,straights and bisexuals is not “true love” that love is some how lesser or fake.This includes you.This means that all non xsexuals only want sex.And if the “born this way” rhetoric often employed shortly after these statements are made, it means that forever and ever all people who are not xsexual are a lesser class of being.

Now who does that rhetoric sound like? Lesser class of person…oversexed..only want sex…can’t love…
Oh right every heterosexist bigot oppressor EVER.

So knock it off and think about what you say and who you sound like.
Before I puke all over you.

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Filed under Bisexuality, LGBT Writing, Trans*

Definitions: Dictionary and Media versus Real Life

In the ongoing debate of what and who gets to define bisexual I see way to many would be definers (never actually bi themselves) trot out 2 supposedly final authorities on the subject, the almighty dictionary and media portrayal.
They rush to what ever dictionary is handy look up the word and then point and basically say “nyaa so THERE the dictionary says it means
Look up a word in a dictionary from the 1800’s.I bet it says bisexual means the same thing as intersex.Maybe it has something about plants in it.Go look up something in a different language then english.I bet the definition when translated is slightly different! So changes over time and place reflect something that these dictionary thumpers fail or are afraid to acknowledge which is that language changes over time. Treating dictionary definitions like they are some sort of infallible writing of god also fails to recognize the power dynamics at play in the creation of a dictionary.Dictionaries do not fall out of the sky and into the bottom drawer of your desk or magically appear online.They are written by people.People who like every one else are products of their time,culture and privilage in this world.Generally those making dictionaries are white,well educated cis males.Mirroring the power dynamics of society at large.They are not going to go out of their way to go find and talk to real live bisexuals.Heck,they had a big fanfare over simply adding “google” into ONE dictionary. Why would they bother with something as complicated and let’s face it, controversial as sexuality?
Another thing I encounter often is the ” but popular media!!” Argument.It goes like this ” bi’s in the media are: only attracted to men and women/cheaters/evil/part werewolf ” So therefore that is either true or the only thing that matters bwcause that is how “the public” sees it.This has been used in everything from denying the legitimacy of trans* bisexuals to reasons shy money should not go to bi orgs.
In popular media archeologist’s are like Indians Jones or Daniel Jackson from Star Gate.They run around get into fights,save the world or often almost end it.Nobody argues that we should cut funding for archeology programs. Media depicts things WRONG. This happens more often then it gets things RIGHT. So it is a sad last ditch attempt to trot that out.

If you want to define something to do with identities go see my other post on how to do so and put down that dictionary.We both know you really only use it to keep the coffee table even.

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Toilet Training

It never fails.I put something up about the need for accessible gender neutral bathrooms and somebody,somewhere objects.It is nearly ALWAYS the trans misogynistic ” bathroom predator” myth. So lets look at that for a second.
Growing up in sunny southern California my elementarily school had a open campus style.So the bathroom entrances were on the outside of the building.Playing tag several of my younger 3rd grade friends ran into the open door of the girls room and used it as a “safe zone” from the boys they were playing with.One day they went running into the bathroom in order to avoid getting tagged. One of the boys simply ran in after them and tagged them anyways.
Tag is a pared down version of what really happens.If someone is hell bent on either not being ” it” for the rest of recess or on committing violence against some one then the magic of the sign will not protect you.It won’t protect you or your kids.
I run into the intersection of gender and disability with regards to restrooms rather often.I am visibly gender variant and also visibly disabled at times.I hear many replies of ” well if you don’t pass well enough as either go use the family single stall!” I run into a whole new slew of problems there.Often these bathrooms are the filthiest.Filled with discarded diapers,condoms and other horrors.Another is that they are often out of the way and hard to get to.Which being disabled can make life hellish.When I do find one and go in upon coming out I am greeted with one of two things but they always start the same. First it is a glare from the waiting parent.Then if I have my cane the glare turns into what I have named the ” oh frell cripple!”  Face.The glare disappears and a momentary “oh crap! I glared at them!” face takes it’s place followed by my personal fav the ” oh god dont stare don’t look it’s not polite” eye avert. If I don’t have my cane the glare just stays and intensifies as the persin sizes me and my gender presentation up.Thankfully it often ends there.But I have heard of others being verbally harassed by others coming out of the family restroom or being harassed online for revealing that they use them as an alternative to traditionally gendered toilets.
I have had my share of bathroom glares and ” your in the wrong one!” moments.I have been lucky to not have been beaten like so many others.
So yes.It is time for more gender neutral and genderless restrooms.The little man or woman on the door will not magically come to life and protect you.A rapist isn’t going to take the time and money to dress as a different gender to gain access to a toilet to rape.They are just going to go on in.
Accommodating trans* people will only help society.
At the very least stop glaring at me ok?  

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